Howdy, Folks! I’m back with your favorite segment!

“Who are you?”

Don’t worry about it. Just read.

Did you know there’s a pandemic going on? Thank god the news is around to tell me the world is burning every five minutes, otherwise I might have been left out of the loop. Can’t have people walking around happy when a fraction of a percentage point of the world population is dying from a more potent strand of the flu.

I’ve got an idea! Let’s shut everything down! Let’s put everybody’s future on hold! Let’s destroy the economy! Let’s do everything we can to make sure suicides and domestic violence and animal abuse and starvation and drug addiction go through the roof! Let’s put on masks so we all look like train robbers in the old west! Let’s make all too real jokes about the amount of alcohol we are consuming in isolation! Instead of practicing caution, let’s panic!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can we, for once in this country, practice some goddamn logic? No? Because we’re all overstimulated, entitled, soft-bellied creatures of comfort with no survival skills? This is what happens when people no longer have to hunt for food in the wild with spears?

Interesting….

I know it’s serious. I know it’s a big deal. I understand these are unprecedented times. But take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if all this craziness is really necessary. The government and the media have healthy people walking around thinking they are carrying a virus inside them that will kill their elderly parents if they get within six feet.

Think about that last sentence.

What’s really shocked me (but not really if I’m being honest) is how quickly people have just given up their rights without a fight.

The government: Stay inside! Don’t go anywhere! Don’t do anything! Live like a prisoner!

People (Gump voice): Okay. Whatever you say government. I don’t have a mind of my own. When can I take my next shit?

Government: 9:30 tomorrow morning!

People (Gump voice): Okay.

When our glorious leaders came out last week and stated that 100,000 to 240,000 people were expected to die in the United Stated of Covid-19, I’m not ashamed to say that I laughed my ass off. Hysterically. Not because that many people dying is funny. But because it was such a dumbass, ludicrous number that didn’t match up with trends in any way. I am not a numbers guy. I hate math. It makes my brain stop. And even I could see the stupidity in those numbers. In order for that to occur this thing would have to persist for like five fucking years. And all you have to do is look toward Washington state, the first epicenter, to see that their numbers began to decline after a couple of months. Considering we were sitting at about 10,000 deaths at the time, it just didn’t add up.

Naturally they revised their numbers recently to about 60,000 which I still think is too high. It was based on the model they’ve used since the beginning. And since the beginning this model has been wrong. About everything. It was wrong about the number of beds and ventilators needed. It was wrong about the timing of peaks. And it was wrong about deaths.

Yet this morning I read an article about how their model predicts 200,000 people in the United States will die if social restrictions are lifted by May 1st. Hang on a minute, I have to get this out…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH………

HAHAHAHAHAHA……

HAHAHA……

HAHA…

Okay. I’m good now.

Again, it’s not the deaths that are funny. It’s the total dumbassery of the number. Here’s my advice:

Stop using the model! It’s wrong! It’s been wrong at every turn! It’s clearly a flawed model! Just stop already! All you’re doing is scaring the shit out of people because that’s all you know how to do! For the love of god, just stop!

And the government aren’t the only ones that need to stop. People are spending more time on social media because they have more to spare. That’s a frightening thought because people already spent too much time on it before this mess. It’s no longer a wasteland, it’s full on scorched earth. I don’t need anymore updates about day twelve of your self-quarantine and how much Bubbles the cat is sick of having you around because he made a funny cat-face. Put down the cat, put down the phone, and go read a fucking book! Do something constructive while you have the free time. Tiger King will still be there when you get back.

And the last thing any of us need, and I mean the last fucking thing on earth, are these high-horse celebrities in their hillside compounds espousing the virtues of staying at home and social distancing. It’s easy to stay at home when six-inch thick walls of stone, a multiple camera security system, and piles of cash separate you from the rest of humanity. Some of us still have to go to work because we are deemed essential. The fact that all of these celebrities couldn’t be more adamant about never walking out the front door proves how valuable they really are to society.

If they really want to do something helpful, go find out who’s buying up all the fucking toilet paper, buy it back from them at a 5000% markup, and put together drives in which to give it away to the needy. Otherwise fuck off, you no-talent hacks.

Wow, this was long. I think I’m good now.

Peace out, hombres!

I read. A lot. Anything you put in front of me. Books. Articles. Blogs. Nutrition labels. Grocery lists. Cereal boxes. Underwear packaging. Anything. When I was signing all the mortgage papers at the closing of my house I attempted to read them all. If you’ve ever bought a house then you’re familiar with the phonebook size stack they present you with and how impossible it would be to read them all without taking a week off of work and moving in with the broker. I tried. I might be a little crazy.

I read at the same rate in which my dad listens to the news. I’m always telling him to stop doing so, that he’d be happier. I wonder if it goes both ways? I wouldn’t be happier if I stopped reading. I guess, sometimes, you just do the things you do. Coincidentally, most of my reading has come in the form of news articles. Being an opinionated guy from an opinionated family, these are the things on my radar lately.

You cannot escape the Kavanaugh drama in Washington. It is relentless and internet-consuming and exhausting. Sometimes you just want to look at puppy pictures and not constantly be reminded about how fragile the psyche of our elected officials are. Here’s the truth: it’s embarrassing, but not for the reasons they keep giving you. It’s embarrassing that the so-called “leaders” of this country are holding a person’s feet to the fire over something that may or may not have happened in high school under the influence. Really? If that’s the new standard then everyone up on Capitol Hill needs to be swept away because there’s not a soul there that didn’t do something they regret when they were young.

People grow up and change. I don’t give a shit about party lines. Hell, the party system in America is one of the biggest problems we have. It discourages individuality and critical thinking. Everyone needs to have a mind of their own. If he’s right for the Supreme Court, put him in. If he’s not, move on and find someone else. Don’t give me accusations and he said-she said drivel from thirty-four years ago.

Al Roker has also caught my ire, but it isn’t necessarily his fault. I’ve always found him to be an affable, lovable man. He would probably make a great neighbor. But I’ll be the first to admit that his presence and purpose baffle me on many levels. But that’s an entirely different rabbit hole altogether. What I’m referring to specifically is the reception he received on the Today show following his return from surgery. You see, ole weatherman Al had emergency surgery on his thumb and was back at work the next day and his coworkers just couldn’t believe it.

“Only Al Roker would come to work the day after having surgery!”

It was thumb surgery! He’s a TV weatherman! His job is to stand around and update the weather and pretend like Hota Kotb is an interesting person! He’s not moving boxes all day or typing away on a computer! He should have been back the next day! The man could literally have both of his thumbs removed and it wouldn’t affect his job performance at all! And am I the only one still disturbed by the fact that he lost all this weight but still has a fat-guy head?

Does anyone remember Jersey Shore? Remember The Situation? He was the guy that was real proud of his abs. That probably describes most of the douchebags on that show. I’ve honestly never seen an episode. Anyway, he’s going to prison. Yep, for tax evasion. So let me get this straight. You made a boatload of money being a narcissistic, irritating, Italian caricature of a man? AKA: being yourself. And then decided not to pay your taxes? And then further decided to falsify documents? Makes sense. I expected nothing less. Have fun trying on those dresses for Tiny down in cellblock D.

Quick story: I once met a girl during my brief community college stint that was quite attractive and seemed interesting. Then she relayed to me how big of a Jersey Shore fan she was and the attraction immediately died. If that makes me wrong, I don’t want to be right.