Toilet Humor

Howdy, folks!

So, my toilet stopped working….

Well, it technically still works. But the plastic piece that attaches to the handle broke off, meaning I have to remove the tank lid and reach into the water to manually raise that suction cup thing that allows the water to drain and set in motion the magical process of a flush. It’s actually kind of funny. I get a pretty good laugh every time I have to do it. I couldn’t really tell you why it makes me laugh, but it does.

It may be because I can imagine a segment of people out there that this has happened to that have resigned themselves to flushing their toilet this way for the foreseeable future. No repairs. No effort. Just a “fuck it, it still works” mentality, which I am guilty of having at times. But not this time. I’m not one of those people. I plan to replace it today. I’ve never done it before, but Dad has. So, he can walk me through it. Or maybe do most of it himself. I don’t know. We’ll see what happens.

It is my toilet. And the man that does the installation gets to break it in, right? Isn’t that how these things work?

In other news, I have not started on my next project because January is crazy at work. That’s my excuse. I also needed a bit more time to recover from finishing the memoir. I also procrastinate. Whatever. I’ll get to it when I’m good and ready! Stop pressuring me! I’m only a man!

I was 6-4 in my NFL playoff predictions. Not terrible. Not great. Above .500 at least. I wanted to see the Packers win, but the matchup we get tomorrow is going to be a lot of fun. I love watching the Chiefs play. Mahomes is a video game quarterback. And the 49ers are disorienting when they get that run game going with all the speed and misdirection, and their defensive line is just nasty.

I’m rooting for the Chiefs. But the 49ers are a nightmare. Either way, should be fun.

Peace out, homies!

Things on my Radar #2

Howdy, folks!

It’s always nice when goals are met. I completed the Kindle version of Front Porch Stories this week, had 53 different mockups made for advertising purposes, settled into a slightly different schedule I’ll be using moving forward, and I wasn’t eaten by cannibals. Solid week.

But that’s not why I’m here. I’ll be starting work on my new project come Monday, but right now it’s time to unload a few feelings of mine. These are the things on my radar. I’ve done this once before which you can check out here. Let’s get to it.

The holidays are always fun. There’s family and festivities and food. But it’s never intended to last forever. Once January hits, reality reemerges, and I have always been fine with that. Hell, I welcome it. I’ve always felt like having New Years Day off is pointless. We’re all going to spend the majority of the year working, so why are we ringing in the new year with a day off? It’s not indicative of how our time will be spent over the next twelve months. I guess it’s good for blackout drunks who need a day of recovery after New Years Eve. But that’s not me.

My issue this week is that the family and festivities have left while the food remains. Now, I love food, but I’ve had enough sugary junk over the last three weeks to last the next calendar year. And the people I work with keep adding more to the table where I eat lunch every day.

Stop it! The holidays are over! I can’t take it! My teeth hate me! My body hates me! I hate me!

Fortunately, I was able to reel it in after Tuesday. I felt like garbage. I was bloated. My skin was breaking out. I walked away and haven’t touched it since. It can rot or be thrown away or someone else can eat it. I’m done for a while. And wouldn’t you know that in only three days my body is back to normal and I feel great. Poison, man. Processed sugar is poison.

Let’s talk about the Golden Globes for a hot second. No, I don’t watch award shows. I don’t need to see overprivileged people pat themselves on the back for doing shit that doesn’t matter. I also don’t need to be told by these same people to “do better” in regards to the environment. You know that movie you just spent six months shooting? Yeah, that movie caused more of a carbon footprint in six months than I have in ten years. Also, all those private jets and gas spent to get you there aren’t helping your case. Neither are the thousand-dollar suits and dresses you wear one time. Fuck off.

I just found it hilarious that the only food made available at the event were vegan options. They’ve become so damn liberal they are now all caricatures.

I also find it hilarious that previous US presidents had chances to take down Iranian Major General Soleimani, who had been declared a terrorist threat, but declined due to possible “retaliations.” Then Trump comes along and is like “Fuck that guy. He’s a terrorist. Strike!”

By the way US politicians, enough with the fake outrage at taking down a dangerous terrorist threat. Your bullshit just makes the country look weak. Putin is over in Russia right now lying on a bearskin rug, shirtless, nibbling on a bowl of popcorn and laughing his ass off at how pathetic our elected individuals have become.

And, finally, let’s talk some playoff football! I went 2-2 on my picks last week. The Bills fell apart in the second half and the Seahawks beat an already broken Eagles team that got more broke when their quarterback, Wentz, was knocked out on a dirty ass hit that went uncalled. This week I’ve got all four home teams advancing; Niners, Ravens, Chiefs, and Packers. And I have the Chiefs and Packers in the Superbowl. We’ll see what happens.

The Saints lost the way they should have, in heartbreaking fashion. Fuck that dirtbag coach, his dirtbag team, those dirtbag fans, and his fake-nice-guy quarterback who promptly threw his teammates under the bus after the game when talking about a fumble that was his fault. You’re 40, have no arm strength, and only play your best when there’s a record to be broken. Go away, you stat whore.

And then there’s Brady. What a run. You’ve looked old for a while, but having arguably the best team builder in NFL history has covered up your warts. You’re not the greatest. You’ve never been the greatest. You never will be the greatest. Had you been drafted by anyone else you would have washed out of the league as a backup ten years ago. A pick-six is the most fitting way to end your legacy than I could have ever hoped for. I hope you do leave New England for an opportunity elsewhere. Because you will fail. Miserably.

As for the Panthers, I like the Matt Rhule hire. Time will tell. But right now, I’m optimistic about the future.

Peace out, homies! Till next time!

Welcome to 2020!

Ah, 2020! A new year! New possibilities! New horizons! New disappointments! I’m ready! Let me have it! Do your worst!

I’m just kidding. Sort of. My attitude isn’t that defeatist. It’s actually not defeatist at all. I’m a borderline aggravating eternal optimist most of the time. Can it be eternal if it’s only “most of the time?” That, my friends, is the million-dollar question. I don’t have a million dollars, so I don’t have an answer. Anyways…

Happy New Year!

So, I finally published the memoir. I sure did. You didn’t read that wrong. It took longer than I anticipated, but it’s out there. And I couldn’t be prouder. It turned out worlds better than I expected. Everything from the cover to the content to the formatting turned out damn near perfect. It looks and reads like a book you would pull off the shelf at a bookstore for purchase. That’s significant progress considering my first book “Ashbrooke City” (available on Amazon) is quite amateurish in its presentation and story structure.

That means I have evolved, like Caesar in The Planet of the Apes. Looks like it’s time for me to gather a massive following, move into the woods, and destroy most of humanity with an unintentional virus I have no control over.

*Spoilers for the recent Planet of the Apes trilogy, which you should have seen already cause they are all awesome films*

And it was nice to have it available by Christmas so that family could partake in the accomplishment. That’s always nice. The feedback has been positive. I wanted it to be a fun read, and it seems it is. And I feel like everyone I wanted to get a free copy to has gotten one. So, anybody else that wants to check it out will simply have to buy it. Unless maybe you take me to a nice dinner, charm me, woo me, try to get me out of my clothes like an adult. You know, treat me like a real lady.

This week I’ll be working on putting together a Kindle version because it’s currently only available in paperback. I’m also hoping to update the website a bit. Beyond that, I’m looking to write and publish two more novels over the course of 2020. Why? Because I’m a crazy person. But I’m actually stoked about the challenge. I’m ready to dive back into writing fiction. Hopefully I can also update this blog more regularly. No promises, though.

As for today, well, it’s time for playoff football. The Panthers turned into a raging dumpster fire by the end, but I’m optimistic about the future. Time to put that mess behind me and enjoy the tournament. As for my picks:

Go Bills!

Go Titans!

Go Vikings!

Go Eagles!

And, for good measure, fuck the Saints! It had to be said.

Peace out! I shall return…

Christmas Quandary

Merry Christmas!

I know, I know. I’m inconsistent. It’s been months since my last post.

I’ve been busy?

Actually, I have been busy. I finally released the memoir! Woo-hoo!

But that’s not why I’m here. I’ll dive into that later. Paperback copies are available if you’re interested, and I know you are. But I still need to put together a Kindle version and get the website in order and a bunch of other small, aggravating things. I’ll do all that sometime in January.

So, why am I here? For the only reason that matters this time of year. There’s a burning question that must be answered.

What makes a Christmas movie?

I know most of you are probably like “It’s about Christmas! Duh! You suck, Casey. Go jump off a cliff you raging asshat. Nobody likes you anyway.” I understand your thoughts and concerns, and I’m still searching for that perfect cliff, but hear me out.

Is a Christmas movie a movie about Christmas? Or is it just a movie with events that take place around Christmas? There’s a difference. A lot of people will cite a movie like “Home Alone” as their favorite Christmas flick, but “Home Alone” is not about Christmas. The events of the movie just happen to take place around Christmas. You could plug in any other holiday and the same things would happen.

So, is “Home Alone” a Christmas movie?

Now, there’s no arguing that films like “A Miracle on 34th Street” and “It’s a Wonderful Life” and “A Christmas Story” are definite Christmas movie classics. You could even throw “Elf” in there, though I’ve never personally seen it. But, if “Home Alone” is to be considered a Christmas movie, then I present the following others to be considered as well:

Die Hard

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

Lethal Weapon

Batman Returns

Trading Places

Edward Scissorhands

Now, I ask you, when you gather round the fire with family on Christmas day to spend quality time with one another, what do you want playing over the proceedings? Do you want George Bailey learning the true meaning of life and Christmas? Do you want Ralphie in his bunny costume? Do you want Will Ferrell acting like Will Ferrell?

Or do you want John McClane saving the denizens of Nakatomi Plaza from the vile, yet charismatic, Hans Gruber? The Dark Knight doing battle with the hideous Penguin? A guy with scissors for hands giving housewives haircuts?

I think you know the answer.

May Day

I’m back!

Again!

No, really! I mean it this time. Maybe. We’ll see. I’m such a procrastinator. Or am I just really busy?

I’ve done very little work on the memoir since the last time I posted. I could go into all the details and excuses and complaints, but those are all pointless and you probably don’t care anyway. I’m not even sure I care. Moving forward can be so hard sometimes. I did manage to clean up the introduction chapter. But chapters two and three need to be combined and completely rewritten. That’s my next goal. That and to clean up chapters four and five, which shouldn’t be as great an undertaking.

Hopefully.

I’ve got everything I need for the first half. I just have to put it together, man! Then me and Dad can get started on the second half. I will have this done by the end of the year. I am damned and determined to do so. Nothing will stand in my way. Not even the MCU!

Endgame was so many things. It was awesome and unpredictable and fitting and poetic. It wrapped up the way it needed to, but there seems to be such a finality that I’m not sure where they go from here. It felt like the end in so many ways. And that makes me a sad panda. But it also makes me curious as to the future trajectory. Cause it isn’t going away.

And to everyone complaining about Game of Thrones: shut-up. The episode was supposed to be dark. They’re fighting in the dead of night. In winter. In a slight blizzard. And that Arya moment was totally earned. She’s not some chick that wandered into Winterfell and just so happens to be a great fighter. They’ve been setting this up since the beginning. She’s basically a trained assassin. And she was fighting for her home. And her character is awesome. She’s a badass. The show is coming to an end for crying out loud. Put away your internet bitterness and hatred and overall malcontent and just enjoy the damn thing.

In other news, I read “The Jungle” by Upton Sinclair recently. That guy was a socialist. It was a solid read, dark and depressing mostly. It’s about life as an immigrant at the turn of the 1900’s and what it was like working, and trying to survive, under no labor laws. It also went into some detail about the conditions of the meatpacking industry at the time, which actually caused Roosevelt to implement changes. Another reminder, much like “The Grapes of Wrath,” how easy we truly have it in the workforce in comparison today.

But a lot of people won’t agree with that because that’s what we do now. We go out into the streets and complain about how unfair life is instead of taking steps to make it better. America!

This post was random.

See you next time!

Memoir Update

Nine weeks ago I wrote a post about the next ten weeks and the goal of getting together a rough draft of the memoir. My hope was to have something I could tighten up and maybe release by the end of the year. But, unfortunately, my best-laid plan is not going to come to fruition. I’m not going to make my self-imposed deadline.

But that’s okay! Dad and I are roughly halfway there. We were going strong and then lost the entire month of October to weather and work and a bunch of other excuses I could throw into the air. My ambition got the best of me as it usually does. I pushed myself too hard and expected too much in too short a period of time. No worries, though. If not for that ambition I probably wouldn’t even be halfway there.

I recently took a couple of long weekends in an effort to catch up. That included a talk with Dad in which I was in a foul mood and distracted due to a water stain on the ceiling of my living room. There was also a three-hour block one morning where I wrote over 2000 words. So, needless to say, I had mixed results. But such is life.

Maybe I’m running against the wind here(Bob Seger reference!). It seems that every time I try to implement some kind of writing structure or strategy for myself it never pans out. Maybe I’m just not that type of writer. Maybe I need to just accept that my style is always going to be a bit unorthodox. Regardless of all that “inside baseball” stuff, I’m going to spend the remainder of this year shaping up what I already have. I haven’t gone back and read anything I’ve written to this point, so that should be an adventure. And then, hopefully come January, Dad and I can resume our talks. Stay tuned!

The Next Ten Weeks

I’m always surprised at how much I miss writing after taking a week away. In the past I’ve taken months away, even years, and it’s always jarring at first. Eventually you move past it and find other ways to fill the time. But it’s been such a consistent part of my life this year that coming home from work and not “getting back to work” can best be described as unusual.

Part of the reason for the time off is that I got behind schedule. Life gets in the way. I had to really scramble to get back on track and, in doing so, burnt myself out a bit. I wrote nearly 3,000 words over a three day period which is a breakneck pace for me. Dad and I both have yards to mow and the weather hasn’t always been great recently, making it hard to find the time. Our last talk was a follow-up that took place under the roof overhang while it poured down rain.

It’s also the busiest time of the year at my day job. I work in a warehouse and spend my time on my feet walking and lifting and pushing and pulling. My job is not a sedentary one. Couple that with 5am workouts and I’m dragging ass by the time I walk through the door into the glorious AC of my house. After making dinner and sitting down to eat I’m often tapped-out. Sometimes I can gut my way through it, but it just becomes too much at times, physically and mentally.

But I’m good now. We’re still crazy busy at work, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. The plan is to wrap up the process over the next ten weeks and get a solid first draft of the memoir that I can work on polishing. That takes us to around Thanksgiving, which is right where I wanted to end things. The 50’s and 60’s was a bit of a trudge, but we made it. Now we’re into the 70’s, where Dad has shown excellent recall. It’s the decade where he got his license and started working and found independence. As always, good times await!

Like Water

I tested out my new approach toward the memoir this week and I was amazed at how well it worked. The words flowed like water. I was knocking out 600 in an hour, which is a crazy pace for me because I’m typically fairly deliberate with my words, sometimes a little too much that I tend to think instead of write. But this was bang, bang, bang.

It’s always a great feeling when you progress the way you envision. It so rarely happens the way you expect. Knocking out 2300 words in a four day span with all the other responsibilities of life surrounding me is either maturation, an outlier, or a damned miracle. But I’m not one to rage against the tide, so I move forward and continue to build. It’s the most surefire way of conquering something in this world.

Elsewhere I attended a continuing education class this week on the use of essential oils in cooking. It was fascinating stuff. They take herbs and spices such as oregano and rosemary and basil and condense it into an oil form, completely natural, and use a mere drop during cooking. Seems absurd, right? Well I tasted a few dishes and it works. In fact, there’s a whole culture around the use of essential oils. Everything from digestive issues to muscle soreness to allergies has a simple remedy that loads of people swear by. They also integrate citrus fruits and even fir. Fascinating ideas.

Afterward I traveled down the street with a co-worker to get some ice cream at this tiny creamery I’d never heard of. The inside was a total throwback with décor that seemed straight out of the 50’s. I also had the best banana pudding ice cream of my life, homemade, full of wafers, and absolutely glorious. Small town America, that’s where the real greatness lives.

Perspective

It’s always a rousing moment when you find perspective. That’s exactly what happened to me this week at work. I was going about my day early on around 9am and then it hit me! BAM! I knew which direction to take the memoir. Just like that! No second guessing. No talking myself out of it. It was the right decision at the right time.

I’ve been taking notes and talking with my dad and doing research for about a month now, just getting as many words on the page as possible. But I had yet to find my angle. I wasn’t sure how to approach the material. It has to feel authentic to him and to me, as well as anyone who may read it. Early on these first few chapters have felt like reading a history book of my dad’s life thus far. They were informative, but something just hasn’t felt quite right.

Then an epiphany! In order for this to work it has to be just as much about today and it is about the past. What I mean by that is how the information is gathered and told is just as important as said information. We’ve been getting together every Saturday and talking on the front porch, which is really a deck, and I’ve been taking piles of notes on everything he says and does. Every detail matters and when that fact hit me, it was pure euphoria.

There is nothing better than having a revelation about a project when your mind is elsewhere. That’s what creativity is about. Those first few chapters will have to be altered, but I’m glad I’ve recognized it early instead of three months in. Good times await.

Living Like A Writer

I took three days off of work this week to relax a bit before our busiest time of the year hits at work. It had to be now because there won’t be another chance until sometime in October. It builds slowly starting in August and then explodes and I’m left dragging ass back home every day for three weeks, just trying to catch my breath.

But it’s cool. It happens every year. I expect it. I’m used to it. I even enjoy it because it keeps me busy. There’s not much thinking involved, just moving forward. And given how unusually steady it’s already been thus far, I’m expecting big things. Fingers crossed I don’t pull a muscle.

During my time away I delved deep into research on my dad’s memoir, burying myself in family history. I visited my Aunt and Uncle who have possession of a lot of family memorabilia and antiques, working my way through those. Then we jumped into a full genealogy that my Uncle has spent years assembling. He showed me stacks of marriage certificates, birth and death certificates, military discharge paperwork, last will and testaments, and a slew of other historical documents.

I even learned about Matthew McCauley, great-grandfather of mine seven times removed. He emigrated from Ireland, fought in the American Revolution, and donated 150 acres of the land on which UNC Chapel Hill is built. He was even involved in the laying of the cornerstone of the Old East, first building of the university erected. I even drove out to the McCauley Family Cemetery in Carrboro, NC, to snap some photos and document my findings.

The time off has proved to be really wonderful. I’ve lived like a writer, one that makes a living at his craft, lost in constant research, putting together the next chapter, no other responsibilities, just the work. I’ve also slept a lot, which leads me to believe that I’m sleep deprived during my normal weeks, something I should probably work on rectifying.

It’s been eye-opening and fun, but it’s back to normal on Monday. My goals are all in front of me. There’s no better feeling.

Off and Running

I knocked out the introduction to my dad’s memoir this week and it has definitely reinvigorated my love for writing. There’s always been a tendency with me to take extended periods of time away after completing a project because I usually burn myself out with an unhealthy, hectic pace. I’ll consistently talk myself out of moving forward, believing that I need just a little more research or just one more day to relax and think.

“Ashbrooke City” is a perfect example of this habit. I never had a solid writing schedule, just writing whenever I found the time or when the spirit moved me. Sometimes I would get home from work around five or six in the afternoon, write until three in the morning, get three hours of sleep and then go back to work. I would also binge write on the weekends for twelve hours a day. It wasn’t uncommon for me to take weeks off in between writing sessions. I did that for three years. It’s probably the reason it took so long to write the damn book. If I had been more consistent I might have completed it in half the time.

But you live and you learn. With my dad’s new memoir I’ve adopted a writing schedule that I absolutely love. One hour a day is all I ask of myself. One hour a day. Every day. No exceptions. No excuses. I try to hit at least 500 words per session, but if I don’t there’s no beating myself up, which has been a problem for me in the past. When I get to the weekends I can do more because things lighten up a bit. It’s really working for me thus far.

Typically I’m up at five every morning to workout. From there I have a day job throughout the week that keeps me away until after five most days. So by the time I get home I’ve been on my feet for twelve hours because I work in a warehouse. After carving out some time to make dinner and take a breather, I can sit down to write, usually around eight at night. And of course there are other responsibilities to take into account. It’s all a balancing act.

My secondary goal is a chapter per week on the memoir. If I can maintain this pace I can be done with the first draft by early November. I have no doubt I’ll get there. It’s been too much fun to think otherwise.

Onward!

It was a long week, but a revealing one. Sometimes you just have to move on, from ideas, from expectations, from people. I’m very proud of “Ashbrooke City.” It’s my first novel. It’s the project I’ve spent the most time on. It will always be the book that taught me how to write books.

But it can no longer consume my life if I’m going to meet my next self-imposed deadline. I’ll never stop supporting it. I’ll continue to try new marketing techniques. But I have to move on creatively. Content is King. And in order for me to produce new content I have to compartmentalize, which is a new concept for me. But I’m up to the task. I wanted all this and now I have to juggle.

My next project is much different. It’s personal and, hopefully, relatable. I’m not building a world from scratch or crafting characters from my own observations. It’s the true story of a man who has led a fascinating life through an era of human history in which things tend to change as fast you can blink, and the opinions that come along.

It’s a memoir about my dad. And boy does he have opinions! On everything. Even things he knows nothing about. It’s a project I began way back in early 2010 but had to abandon due to circumstance, and because I just wasn’t ready to fully tackle it. But now I am. And I couldn’t be more excited! To one day, when I’m his age, have a document that reminds me of him and the things he has seen and done would mean the world to me. Like a reference, an idea that can live forever.

I’m aiming for the end of the year. Fingers crossed.