Howdy, Folks! I’m back with your favorite segment!

“Who are you?”

Don’t worry about it. Just read.

Did you know there’s a pandemic going on? Thank god the news is around to tell me the world is burning every five minutes, otherwise I might have been left out of the loop. Can’t have people walking around happy when a fraction of a percentage point of the world population is dying from a more potent strand of the flu.

I’ve got an idea! Let’s shut everything down! Let’s put everybody’s future on hold! Let’s destroy the economy! Let’s do everything we can to make sure suicides and domestic violence and animal abuse and starvation and drug addiction go through the roof! Let’s put on masks so we all look like train robbers in the old west! Let’s make all too real jokes about the amount of alcohol we are consuming in isolation! Instead of practicing caution, let’s panic!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can we, for once in this country, practice some goddamn logic? No? Because we’re all overstimulated, entitled, soft-bellied creatures of comfort with no survival skills? This is what happens when people no longer have to hunt for food in the wild with spears?

Interesting….

I know it’s serious. I know it’s a big deal. I understand these are unprecedented times. But take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if all this craziness is really necessary. The government and the media have healthy people walking around thinking they are carrying a virus inside them that will kill their elderly parents if they get within six feet.

Think about that last sentence.

What’s really shocked me (but not really if I’m being honest) is how quickly people have just given up their rights without a fight.

The government: Stay inside! Don’t go anywhere! Don’t do anything! Live like a prisoner!

People (Gump voice): Okay. Whatever you say government. I don’t have a mind of my own. When can I take my next shit?

Government: 9:30 tomorrow morning!

People (Gump voice): Okay.

When our glorious leaders came out last week and stated that 100,000 to 240,000 people were expected to die in the United Stated of Covid-19, I’m not ashamed to say that I laughed my ass off. Hysterically. Not because that many people dying is funny. But because it was such a dumbass, ludicrous number that didn’t match up with trends in any way. I am not a numbers guy. I hate math. It makes my brain stop. And even I could see the stupidity in those numbers. In order for that to occur this thing would have to persist for like five fucking years. And all you have to do is look toward Washington state, the first epicenter, to see that their numbers began to decline after a couple of months. Considering we were sitting at about 10,000 deaths at the time, it just didn’t add up.

Naturally they revised their numbers recently to about 60,000 which I still think is too high. It was based on the model they’ve used since the beginning. And since the beginning this model has been wrong. About everything. It was wrong about the number of beds and ventilators needed. It was wrong about the timing of peaks. And it was wrong about deaths.

Yet this morning I read an article about how their model predicts 200,000 people in the United States will die if social restrictions are lifted by May 1st. Hang on a minute, I have to get this out…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH………

HAHAHAHAHAHA……

HAHAHA……

HAHA…

Okay. I’m good now.

Again, it’s not the deaths that are funny. It’s the total dumbassery of the number. Here’s my advice:

Stop using the model! It’s wrong! It’s been wrong at every turn! It’s clearly a flawed model! Just stop already! All you’re doing is scaring the shit out of people because that’s all you know how to do! For the love of god, just stop!

And the government aren’t the only ones that need to stop. People are spending more time on social media because they have more to spare. That’s a frightening thought because people already spent too much time on it before this mess. It’s no longer a wasteland, it’s full on scorched earth. I don’t need anymore updates about day twelve of your self-quarantine and how much Bubbles the cat is sick of having you around because he made a funny cat-face. Put down the cat, put down the phone, and go read a fucking book! Do something constructive while you have the free time. Tiger King will still be there when you get back.

And the last thing any of us need, and I mean the last fucking thing on earth, are these high-horse celebrities in their hillside compounds espousing the virtues of staying at home and social distancing. It’s easy to stay at home when six-inch thick walls of stone, a multiple camera security system, and piles of cash separate you from the rest of humanity. Some of us still have to go to work because we are deemed essential. The fact that all of these celebrities couldn’t be more adamant about never walking out the front door proves how valuable they really are to society.

If they really want to do something helpful, go find out who’s buying up all the fucking toilet paper, buy it back from them at a 5000% markup, and put together drives in which to give it away to the needy. Otherwise fuck off, you no-talent hacks.

Wow, this was long. I think I’m good now.

Peace out, hombres!