Whoa!

Whoa!

What have I stumbled upon? This looks like the blog I used to keep. Let me wipe away some of these cobwebs…….oh that joke didn’t age well…….bad grammar everywhere………astounding unprofessionalism……….that box of pop tarts is expired. Alright then! Here we go! Clean and ready for processing!

Howdy everybody! And by “everybody” I mean the two rando’s that pop in here by accident over the next six months because their weird porn searches somehow intersected with my brand of humor. Humour? Who knows?

So, the election happened while I was gone. Some might say it’s still happening. And it’s as bad as the movie The Happening. Just kidding. Nothing is that bad. Anyway, color me somewhat shocked but not really in the way it all went down. I’m probably in the minority here, but I’m of the belief that there was rampant voter fraud on both sides, which should be unnerving but is actually quite hilarious because this country gets who it deserves.

Ask yourself this: how does a cardboard cutout with beady eyes and hair plugs get the most votes in Presidential history? And how does the tactless incumbent spewing his own specific brand of racism while dumping ketchup on his steak get the second most?

Easy. Voter fraud.

Both sides are corrupt. That’s okay. America is corrupt. Might as well enjoy this ride we were born on till it crashes into that visible mountain not too far ahead.

But can we nix the dancing on the street? Are you really celebrating a 200-year-old racist and the former DA person of color that hates people of color? What are you doing? Nothing is going to change. They’ll still be in your pocket, just a little more subtle about it.

While I’m here, let me thank the ‘rona! Good ole coronavirus! Covid-19! It was so nice of you to go away during the election and then come back. Really gave us a break there. Suddenly everyone is worried again. You didn’t seem worried while you were protesting or cutting a rug during the first week of November. Did it catch you by surprise? Again?

Not me! I was ready this time! I brought nunchuks!

It’s really amazing how pandemic’s rip through the population and get a bunch of people sick and a bunch of others in the grave. It’s almost like that’s it’s nature. Hmmmmm…..interesting.

Wearing a mask? Check! Social distancing? Check! Washing your hands? Check! People still getting infected and dying? Check!

But that’s the arrogance of not only Americans but the human race. We think we can contain something uncontainable. I can’t wait till the next President gets credit when this whole thing is over after coming into the fourth quarter of a blowout and notching a half-sack.

America!

Journalism

I can’t do it anymore. I can’t read the news. Journalism is dead. And that makes me a sad panda.

If you read my last post which can be found here, you may think of me as some sort of psycho hack writer that doesn’t care about people, and I wouldn’t blame you. After going back and reading it myself nearly a month later, I can say that I was definitely blinded a bit by frustration and anger. I’m not sure I believe everything I wrote that day because, honestly, I don’t know what to believe.

And why is that you ask?

Because journalism is dead. I already told you. Keep up.

Everything the media and the news puts out is designed to scare you. Here’s a quick example: USA Today posted an article with an eye-catching headline that 5,000 people per day were expected to die from Covid-19 by August 1st. I knew it was clickbait but I read it anyway. Turns out the article is actually about a three-pronged model some company projected and the 5,000 per day death toll was the worst-case scenario.

USA Today, a highly respected publication that has been around for nearly forty years, used the worst-case scenario in that article as a headline to lure people in. Why? Because ad revenue and clicks are what drives the news in the modern world. It’s no longer about being right or even honest. Now, will that 5,000 per day death toll come to fruition? We won’t know unless we get there. But USA Today wants you think the worst because that’s what keeps you coming back to read their slop.

The news is negative by nature, always has been. It’s a matter of comparison for people. The average healthy person that consumes news about the pandemic can rest easy because it might not be directly affecting them, especially if they’re still working. They can look at the TV and say to themselves “Well, at least it’s not me.” And that, in turn, makes them feel better, even if only on a subconscious level. They can come back the next day and get the newest bad news and keep chugging along.

We are attracted by train wrecks, especially when we’re not in them. On the other side, when we consume news about a single person who has dedicated their entire life to fighting hunger in Africa, we can’t handle it. It doesn’t move the needle or drive revenue. Why? Because maybe we ate an entire pizza the night before and this person trying to make a difference in the world just makes us feel like shit. Nobody wants to feel that way, right or wrong.

The internet and the 24-hour news cycle killed journalism a while ago. Somewhere along the way opinions and news became interchangeable. It took a global pandemic to bring everything to the surface.

So, what do you believe? My advice: none of it. Believe only what your eyes can see. Stop reading and/or watching the news. You’ll be happier.

This too shall pass.

Things On My Radar: Covid-19 Edition

Howdy, Folks! I’m back with your favorite segment!

“Who are you?”

Don’t worry about it. Just read.

Did you know there’s a pandemic going on? Thank god the news is around to tell me the world is burning every five minutes, otherwise I might have been left out of the loop. Can’t have people walking around happy when a fraction of a percentage point of the world population is dying from a more potent strand of the flu.

I’ve got an idea! Let’s shut everything down! Let’s put everybody’s future on hold! Let’s destroy the economy! Let’s do everything we can to make sure suicides and domestic violence and animal abuse and starvation and drug addiction go through the roof! Let’s put on masks so we all look like train robbers in the old west! Let’s make all too real jokes about the amount of alcohol we are consuming in isolation! Instead of practicing caution, let’s panic!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can we, for once in this country, practice some goddamn logic? No? Because we’re all overstimulated, entitled, soft-bellied creatures of comfort with no survival skills? This is what happens when people no longer have to hunt for food in the wild with spears?

Interesting….

I know it’s serious. I know it’s a big deal. I understand these are unprecedented times. But take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if all this craziness is really necessary. The government and the media have healthy people walking around thinking they are carrying a virus inside them that will kill their elderly parents if they get within six feet.

Think about that last sentence.

What’s really shocked me (but not really if I’m being honest) is how quickly people have just given up their rights without a fight.

The government: Stay inside! Don’t go anywhere! Don’t do anything! Live like a prisoner!

People (Gump voice): Okay. Whatever you say government. I don’t have a mind of my own. When can I take my next shit?

Government: 9:30 tomorrow morning!

People (Gump voice): Okay.

When our glorious leaders came out last week and stated that 100,000 to 240,000 people were expected to die in the United Stated of Covid-19, I’m not ashamed to say that I laughed my ass off. Hysterically. Not because that many people dying is funny. But because it was such a dumbass, ludicrous number that didn’t match up with trends in any way. I am not a numbers guy. I hate math. It makes my brain stop. And even I could see the stupidity in those numbers. In order for that to occur this thing would have to persist for like five fucking years. And all you have to do is look toward Washington state, the first epicenter, to see that their numbers began to decline after a couple of months. Considering we were sitting at about 10,000 deaths at the time, it just didn’t add up.

Naturally they revised their numbers recently to about 60,000 which I still think is too high. It was based on the model they’ve used since the beginning. And since the beginning this model has been wrong. About everything. It was wrong about the number of beds and ventilators needed. It was wrong about the timing of peaks. And it was wrong about deaths.

Yet this morning I read an article about how their model predicts 200,000 people in the United States will die if social restrictions are lifted by May 1st. Hang on a minute, I have to get this out…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH………

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH………

HAHAHAHAHAHA……

HAHAHA……

HAHA…

Okay. I’m good now.

Again, it’s not the deaths that are funny. It’s the total dumbassery of the number. Here’s my advice:

Stop using the model! It’s wrong! It’s been wrong at every turn! It’s clearly a flawed model! Just stop already! All you’re doing is scaring the shit out of people because that’s all you know how to do! For the love of god, just stop!

And the government aren’t the only ones that need to stop. People are spending more time on social media because they have more to spare. That’s a frightening thought because people already spent too much time on it before this mess. It’s no longer a wasteland, it’s full on scorched earth. I don’t need anymore updates about day twelve of your self-quarantine and how much Bubbles the cat is sick of having you around because he made a funny cat-face. Put down the cat, put down the phone, and go read a fucking book! Do something constructive while you have the free time. Tiger King will still be there when you get back.

And the last thing any of us need, and I mean the last fucking thing on earth, are these high-horse celebrities in their hillside compounds espousing the virtues of staying at home and social distancing. It’s easy to stay at home when six-inch thick walls of stone, a multiple camera security system, and piles of cash separate you from the rest of humanity. Some of us still have to go to work because we are deemed essential. The fact that all of these celebrities couldn’t be more adamant about never walking out the front door proves how valuable they really are to society.

If they really want to do something helpful, go find out who’s buying up all the fucking toilet paper, buy it back from them at a 5000% markup, and put together drives in which to give it away to the needy. Otherwise fuck off, you no-talent hacks.

Wow, this was long. I think I’m good now.

Peace out, hombres!

Fascinating Times

When the year 2020 began, my intention was to write and publish two books over the course of twelve months. I outlined those goals here. Then I switched course, deciding to fix up my house and sell it while also cranking out at least one new book. That goal was outlined here.

Then COVID-19 came along. You can’t dine in restaurants anymore, but you can still go play golf. Clubs have been shut down, but you can still handle fruit in the grocery store that’s passed through hundreds of unwashed hands. Grandparents are communicating through glass windows with their grandchildren because they’re afraid the little demons might be infected and they don’t have enough retirement savings for a lengthy hospital stay. And people are hoarding toilet paper because that’s what intelligent life does.

If aliens were to descend upon the Earth and say “We’re here to destroy you,” I would take them aside and tell them about the Coronavirus. Five minutes later they would ascend back into the heavens, convinced we will just destroy ourselves. And they would be correct. Why waste the energy and the time? Go destroy another planet. We’re right behind ya!

Now, don’t take this the wrong way. This virus is a problem. I recognize that. It’s an unknown, and a mad scramble to find drugs to combat it and a vaccine to cure it. But, at the end of the day, it’s essentially a different strain of the flu. Maybe more powerful, maybe not. It all seems to depend on underlying conditions or a genetic predisposition to fight it. If we would all just practice some caution, instead of panic, we could get through this relatively easy. There’s no reason to tank the economy and put everyone on lockdown for something that I personally don’t think will survive the consistently warmer weather approaching. I could be wrong. I could be right. Who knows?

One thing I do know is that people are inherently stupid and selfish. My hope in humanity has been hanging by a thread for years. Decades, some would argue. No more. It’s gone. Up and vanished like a fart in the wind. The grocery stores have been picked clean like a pack of fucking vultures, because that’s what people are. Fucking vultures. You can find photos online of people buying cartloads full of eggs and toilet paper and milk, as if nobody needs to eat but them, as if nobody needs to wipe their ass but them. Fuck those people. If you happen to see them out and about, feel free to say those words to their face. They deserve it.

If you are reading this and are one of those people, fuck you and please stop reading my shit. You are the worst type of person and I don’t want your clicks.

And then there’s the media and the politicians. Let’s start with the media. They love this shit. They can’t get enough. They can’t wait to get up in the morning and tell you the new bad news. Every article and video are designed to scare the shit out of everybody because that’s what drives ad revenue. They get off on the possibility of living in a world engulfed in flames. And the politicians can’t wait to politicize death and sickness for their own personal gain. If you’ve ever wondered if the ones you elect to office actually care about you, simply gauge their reaction to a pandemic and you’ve got your answer.

Spoiler: They don’t.

Imagine if something really bad were to go down, like a virus causing healthy thirty-somethings to drop dead in the street. It would be anarchy. Like the Simian Flu in Planet of the Apes. That might actually be worth stockpiling toilet paper.