Howdy, Folks! I’m back with your favorite segment!

“Who are you?”

Don’t worry about it. Just read.

Did you know there’s a pandemic going on? Thank god the news is around to tell me the world is burning every five minutes, otherwise I might have been left out of the loop. Can’t have people walking around happy when a fraction of a percentage point of the world population is dying from a more potent strand of the flu.

I’ve got an idea! Let’s shut everything down! Let’s put everybody’s future on hold! Let’s destroy the economy! Let’s do everything we can to make sure suicides and domestic violence and animal abuse and starvation and drug addiction go through the roof! Let’s put on masks so we all look like train robbers in the old west! Let’s make all too real jokes about the amount of alcohol we are consuming in isolation! Instead of practicing caution, let’s panic!

WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Can we, for once in this country, practice some goddamn logic? No? Because we’re all overstimulated, entitled, soft-bellied creatures of comfort with no survival skills? This is what happens when people no longer have to hunt for food in the wild with spears?

Interesting….

I know it’s serious. I know it’s a big deal. I understand these are unprecedented times. But take a look in the mirror and ask yourself if all this craziness is really necessary. The government and the media have healthy people walking around thinking they are carrying a virus inside them that will kill their elderly parents if they get within six feet.

Think about that last sentence.

What’s really shocked me (but not really if I’m being honest) is how quickly people have just given up their rights without a fight.

The government: Stay inside! Don’t go anywhere! Don’t do anything! Live like a prisoner!

People (Gump voice): Okay. Whatever you say government. I don’t have a mind of my own. When can I take my next shit?

Government: 9:30 tomorrow morning!

People (Gump voice): Okay.

When our glorious leaders came out last week and stated that 100,000 to 240,000 people were expected to die in the United Stated of Covid-19, I’m not ashamed to say that I laughed my ass off. Hysterically. Not because that many people dying is funny. But because it was such a dumbass, ludicrous number that didn’t match up with trends in any way. I am not a numbers guy. I hate math. It makes my brain stop. And even I could see the stupidity in those numbers. In order for that to occur this thing would have to persist for like five fucking years. And all you have to do is look toward Washington state, the first epicenter, to see that their numbers began to decline after a couple of months. Considering we were sitting at about 10,000 deaths at the time, it just didn’t add up.

Naturally they revised their numbers recently to about 60,000 which I still think is too high. It was based on the model they’ve used since the beginning. And since the beginning this model has been wrong. About everything. It was wrong about the number of beds and ventilators needed. It was wrong about the timing of peaks. And it was wrong about deaths.

Yet this morning I read an article about how their model predicts 200,000 people in the United States will die if social restrictions are lifted by May 1st. Hang on a minute, I have to get this out…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH………

HAHAHAHAHAHA……

HAHAHA……

HAHA…

Okay. I’m good now.

Again, it’s not the deaths that are funny. It’s the total dumbassery of the number. Here’s my advice:

Stop using the model! It’s wrong! It’s been wrong at every turn! It’s clearly a flawed model! Just stop already! All you’re doing is scaring the shit out of people because that’s all you know how to do! For the love of god, just stop!

And the government aren’t the only ones that need to stop. People are spending more time on social media because they have more to spare. That’s a frightening thought because people already spent too much time on it before this mess. It’s no longer a wasteland, it’s full on scorched earth. I don’t need anymore updates about day twelve of your self-quarantine and how much Bubbles the cat is sick of having you around because he made a funny cat-face. Put down the cat, put down the phone, and go read a fucking book! Do something constructive while you have the free time. Tiger King will still be there when you get back.

And the last thing any of us need, and I mean the last fucking thing on earth, are these high-horse celebrities in their hillside compounds espousing the virtues of staying at home and social distancing. It’s easy to stay at home when six-inch thick walls of stone, a multiple camera security system, and piles of cash separate you from the rest of humanity. Some of us still have to go to work because we are deemed essential. The fact that all of these celebrities couldn’t be more adamant about never walking out the front door proves how valuable they really are to society.

If they really want to do something helpful, go find out who’s buying up all the fucking toilet paper, buy it back from them at a 5000% markup, and put together drives in which to give it away to the needy. Otherwise fuck off, you no-talent hacks.

Wow, this was long. I think I’m good now.

Peace out, hombres!

When the year 2020 began, my intention was to write and publish two books over the course of twelve months. I outlined those goals here. Then I switched course, deciding to fix up my house and sell it while also cranking out at least one new book. That goal was outlined here.

Then COVID-19 came along. You can’t dine in restaurants anymore, but you can still go play golf. Clubs have been shut down, but you can still handle fruit in the grocery store that’s passed through hundreds of unwashed hands. Grandparents are communicating through glass windows with their grandchildren because they’re afraid the little demons might be infected and they don’t have enough retirement savings for a lengthy hospital stay. And people are hoarding toilet paper because that’s what intelligent life does.

If aliens were to descend upon the Earth and say “We’re here to destroy you,” I would take them aside and tell them about the Coronavirus. Five minutes later they would ascend back into the heavens, convinced we will just destroy ourselves. And they would be correct. Why waste the energy and the time? Go destroy another planet. We’re right behind ya!

Now, don’t take this the wrong way. This virus is a problem. I recognize that. It’s an unknown, and a mad scramble to find drugs to combat it and a vaccine to cure it. But, at the end of the day, it’s essentially a different strain of the flu. Maybe more powerful, maybe not. It all seems to depend on underlying conditions or a genetic predisposition to fight it. If we would all just practice some caution, instead of panic, we could get through this relatively easy. There’s no reason to tank the economy and put everyone on lockdown for something that I personally don’t think will survive the consistently warmer weather approaching. I could be wrong. I could be right. Who knows?

One thing I do know is that people are inherently stupid and selfish. My hope in humanity has been hanging by a thread for years. Decades, some would argue. No more. It’s gone. Up and vanished like a fart in the wind. The grocery stores have been picked clean like a pack of fucking vultures, because that’s what people are. Fucking vultures. You can find photos online of people buying cartloads full of eggs and toilet paper and milk, as if nobody needs to eat but them, as if nobody needs to wipe their ass but them. Fuck those people. If you happen to see them out and about, feel free to say those words to their face. They deserve it.

If you are reading this and are one of those people, fuck you and please stop reading my shit. You are the worst type of person and I don’t want your clicks.

And then there’s the media and the politicians. Let’s start with the media. They love this shit. They can’t get enough. They can’t wait to get up in the morning and tell you the new bad news. Every article and video are designed to scare the shit out of everybody because that’s what drives ad revenue. They get off on the possibility of living in a world engulfed in flames. And the politicians can’t wait to politicize death and sickness for their own personal gain. If you’ve ever wondered if the ones you elect to office actually care about you, simply gauge their reaction to a pandemic and you’ve got your answer.

Spoiler: They don’t.

Imagine if something really bad were to go down, like a virus causing healthy thirty-somethings to drop dead in the street. It would be anarchy. Like the Simian Flu in Planet of the Apes. That might actually be worth stockpiling toilet paper.